In-class writing #2

In my revision, I have made a couple of changes to make my essay better. Firstly, I condensed my thesis statement since it was too long. This made my thesis statement easier to be understood. Second, I added some description in both the begging and the conclusion part. The description showed the opposite result of not doing and doing sports. This made the essay more persuasive. I also corrected some slight grammar error to make the essay more fluent.